Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," is a language that ought to be taught in all our Southern schools. It probably ought to be taught in our northern schools as well, in order to gain a better understanding of the language of the south.
Here are a few excerpts from the Hickphonics English Dictionary:
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A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred
in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining
children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked
to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older
boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Where is God?".
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open,
wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again
the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger
in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the
door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.
God is missing - and they think WE did it!" |
CHRISTIAN HUMOUR including THOUGHT PROVOKING CHURCH SIGNS CHURCH
SIGNS Our faith should be our steering wheel, not our spare tire. - C. L. Wheeler Ever seen a U-haul behind a hearse? Bored? there's a 1,189 chapter book waiting to be dusted. This Church is Prayer Conditioned. Let a Jewish carpenter build your dream house. Situations Vacant: Carpenter from Nazareth requires joiners, no
experience necessary. U-R-4-Given - Message paid for by Jesus Christ
Walmart is not the only place that saves!
God doesn't always smooth the path, but sometimes he puts springs in the
wagon. (Marshall Lucas) God does not go on a vacation from you. Seven days without prayer makes one weak. Get faith ... Its free! (Submitted by Kesa Webber) For all you do, His blood for you. If you live as if God doesn't exist, you better be right! The Nails Didn't Keep Jesus On The Cross - Professionals Built The Titanic. Always plan ahead! It didn't rain when Noah built the
ark. If you don't fellowship you are not among the fellow sheep. Tough week? We are open Sundays. Does your Spiritual house need a spring cleaning? Our world revolves around the Son. Even through the storm, the Son still shines. Sign Broken. Come inside for message. Free trip to Heaven. Details inside. Need directions? I've got them. God If God is your co-pilot ... SWAP SEATS! You
thought Mr. Clean took out dirt? TRY JESUS! Be as patient with others as God has been with you. Enthusiasm for Christ is contagious -- has anyone caught it from you? Those who walk with God won't run from people's needs. God answers knee mail. When God calls 'Time', the game is over. Which exit will you take? Experts made the Titanic. Amateurs made the ark. I love you 3 Nails plus 1 Cross = 4 Given If God Is Your CoPilot ... You'd Better Change Seats Today's heavenly forecast - If attendance is any indication, there won't be many men in heaven. God doesn't need great men. Great men need God. Visitors aren't just welcome. They are expected. When you find yourself far from God, remember it is not He that moved. Give your troubles to God. He's up all night anyway. You learn to walk by starting on your knees. A marriage is the union of two forgivers. Christ is the longest part of Christmas. The original Christmas Club The Devil believes in Jesus. Is he in Heaven? The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. STOMACH ACHE? - Doctor Hell has no fire escapes. Stop, drop, and roll does not work in hell. This day brought to you by Jesus. Marriage takes a lot of heart work. The Bible is your best TV Guide. Prayer gives you a calm-plex. Feeling let down today? Try looking up. T.G.I.F. -- Thank God I'm Forgiven. T.G.I.F. - Today God Is First. Jesus invested His life in you. Have you shown any interest? I love you, C'mon over and bring the kids. God Get an afterlife My way is the High Way. God Let's meet Sunday ... face-to-faith. God Will the road that you're travelling on get you to my place? God Have you read my number 1 best seller? There will be a test. God It's never too soon to plan for eternity. If we are like Christ, some will not like us. If you don't want the fruits of sin, stay out of the Devil's orchard. Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside! Hot outside? Try one of our Sundays! Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins. We are not Dairy Queen, but we have great Sundays! Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here! Free "faith-lift" on Sunday! When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too. People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are. God so loved the world that He did not send a committee. Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush! When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right. Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday. Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily. How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Nonsmoking? Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world. It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin. Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church. If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns. If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again. Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon. This is a ch_ _ch. What is missing? ---------> (U R) Forbidden fruit creates many jams. In the dark? Follow the Son. Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up. If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd. Sitting in a garage doesn't make you a car anymore than sitting in church
makes you a Christian. - John Osteen The following two quotes were submitted by a family who call themselves thejohn's. 1. Live access to Jesus:" PRAYER" ---- thejohn's The MASTER'S CARD There are some things money can buy, The MASTER'S CARD A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five." A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know
what to say?" he asked. Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About half way through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" It worked." A fifth grade teacher at a Christian school asked her class to look at TV
commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas
about God. Here are some of the results: The pastor had chosen his sermon topic carefully, planning to speak on
Baalam's experience. The marquee stated: "The Donkey Speaks, Arno Wenniger" Little Johnny had bought Grandma a book for her birthday and wanted to write
a suitable inscription. He racked his brain until suddenly he remembered that his father
had a book with an inscription of which he was very proud, so Johnny decided to copy it.
You can imagine Grandma's surprise when she opened her book, a Bible, and found neatly
inscribed the following phrase: "To Grandma, with the compliments of the author." A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly,
"I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied,
"What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son
replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what
does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic
Information Before Leaving Earth.'" BIBLE: P - Pray One Sunday after church Mom asked very young daughter what the lesson was
about. Daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts".
Needless to say, mom was perplexed. Later in the day, Pastor stopped by
for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming". Now it made sense. A woman approached the minister after the sermon, and thanked him for his discourse. "I found it so helpful," she said. The minister replied: "I hope it will not prove as helpful as the last sermon you heard me preach." "Why, what do you mean?" asked the astonished woman. "Well," said the minister, "that sermon lasted you three months." |